|-| 3 Y

H E Y

Let’s talk about everything.  Like… EVERYTHING!!!


I haven’t blogged in two months.  Two months of my life you are missing out on.  Better yet, two months of my feelings that I haven’t gotten down.  Shame on you, Hannah.

Let's see if there are any photos from the last two months that you might enjoy (;

Mandy's baby-shower happened.
#CamdenRyder

Sophia and I indulged in a Casting Crowns' concert. SO. GOOD.  
My caption for this photo was: 
"There is something so powerful, so magical, so inspiring, about being in a room with thousands of people who love the Lord. I'm here to tell you, Jesus Christ lives and Jesus Christ loves.  As I was surrounded by those who have the same love and passion for Jesus as I, I became so overwhelmed by the thought that I am a child of God. A literal daughter of a king! What a beautiful testimony builder to be had! God knows us and God loves us.  He sent his perfect son, our elder brother, Jesus Christ, to atone for our sins that we may return to him. I testify of that! God the father and Jesus Christ live and love! My heart is so full."
This statement is still so relevant and I'm still so grateful for Jesus Christ. 

After I didn't do so well on the GRE, Sophia and I went to the Jacksonville Fair with some of our favorite people [who are all married... good thing Sophia is my person and counts as my pseudo-spouse? YAAAASSSS]

Sophia took my on a sister date.  She really is one of the most genuine and thoughtful human beings in all of the world.  She prefaced it with: "I don't have money to take you on a date but I figured since you always take me places that I would take you somewhere..." She packed a lunch and took me down SR13 to one of my favorite places for a picnic. Isn't she the best? That night ended with seeing Tyler at Publix and feeling uncomfortable by his mustache, eating cannoli with pregnant Mandy while some many cleaned her air vents and sitting around dad's fire while he played the guitar. 

Christopher and Matthew got married.  I just love this man a lot. A LOT. 

Another hangout date with our married friends to see Christmas lights. BEAUTIFUL! [I said they were lame at first and then had to eat my words because they were actually really neat...]

THIS. This snapchat from Sophia brings so much happiness to my life. She really does look like John, right?! HAHAHA!

There were tons of experiences these last two months that required a lot of faith, A lot of patience, A lot of love and a some really good people. I have learned a lot.  About myself and certainly about other people.

  • I learned that having a partner to help you in a calling can lead to complacency.  For the longest time, I was the only one working my calling.  WELL. Now I have someone and they are the absolute best. The very best {shout out 2 EBM 4 being da best}.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to work.  But, that's what happened here.  So it has been really difficult, ain't gonna lie, not shirking all responsibilities with my calling and partying everyday instead. I'm grateful to be tag teaming and I'm extra grateful for this sweet sister's patience with me.
  • I learned that sometimes we receive answers to prayers and when we show willingness to act on them, it suddenly becomes clear that God just wanted to see if we were willing to follow His plan for us and when we do, He immediately switches it so that we have a new and even more difficult thing to pray/ponder about and ultimately trust and follow Him.  Does that make sense?  I guess... I guess what I'm trying to say is sometimes God tests me to see if I'd be willing to do a hard thing and when I agree to it and I start actively doing it, He changes things up and gives me a new and even more difficult hard thing to accomplish. I'm slowly learning that I can do hard things and not want to die. [KEYWORD: S L O W L Y]
  • I learned that essential oils are actually the real deal... I never in my wildest dreams thought that a 3 week sinus infection, that was treated with antibiotics and went away [that I didn't finish because I thought I was healed after 3 days] and then came back with a fierce vengeance would be healed with oregano oil. I'm telling you people... Grandma's voodoo works. 
  • I learned that I will be the worst parent when it comes to having kids in athletics. THE. WORST. Watching John play basketball has been the most nerve wracking. I am the crazy lady that can't sit through a game and I'm obnoxiously loud and when it is so quiet because he's about to shoot free throws or something, I yell "#14 on the court, but #1 in my heart!" Naturally. I don't even think it embarrasses him anymore. 
  • I learned that snapchat isn't just for sending funny pictures but it is rather a place for siblings to grow closer.  My sisters and I snapchat every.single.day and that is YUGGGGE. Growing up, I was never particularly close with my oldest sisters.  Krysti is 8 years older and Mandy is 7 years older.  They graduated high school and moved out the house when I was still in elementary school. I saw them a lot but not like I do now.  It has been a really neat experience actually getting to know them and becoming BFFs. Not that I didn't think it would ever happen, I just wasn't expecting it to happen now. BUT, I am so happy it did. I love them. I love them a lot. I especially love how much they love my Sophia.  Y'all know how much I love that little girl [that's a whole other blog post about blended families....]. On the real, I love this sweet family of mine and the knowledge that we are eternal.
  • I learned, since were talking about friends, that sometimes friends come from the most unexpected of places.  Some of my favorite people have been those that served missions in the FJM.  One particular fella from the FJM, RJF, is my absolute favorite. God puts certain people in our lives and this guy is one of those choice people for me.  He is the most genuine, inspiring, funny and determined man west of the Mississippi.  He loves the Lord and he shares that with me regularly. He is definitely the Joe to my Barack. [PS: Hi, Lacey. We are totes in love. Getting married too.  
  • And, finally. one really important one that I learned is that sometimes God places certain people in our lives for a season. Just for a time.  And, when that time is over, you have to learn to let go. I am notorious for trying to please everyone and for trying to maintain friendships with people that don't necessarily want to be my friend.  This past month, I had to finally think about myself and my well being, in regards to this friendship, and unofficially end it. I have tried, for so long, to be friends with this person and they don't want that [or I'm assuming they don't want that because they refuse to talk to me].  Not because we had a falling out or something extremely traumatizing happen, we just drifted apart? Maybe? I still don't know.  But it made me sad for a long time. A long, long, LONG time.  It still makes me sad. I'm sad right now talking about it.  However, in order to not be sad I needed to quit trying.  Whether I follow through and actually quit trying, remains to be seen, but for now I am done trying.  And I'm happy about that. Maybe not happy but rather content.  I am content. 
    • I wish them all of the happiness and will continue to pray for them when I think about them but for now, homegirl Hannah needs to think about herself and remove herself from situations where she isn't appreciate or even acknowledged. 
Y'all.... It's been a good few months. I am blessed. 

I still struggle everyday with mental health and with feelings of loneliness and sadness and frustration and sometimes despair. But,I'm getting there. I don't really know where THERE is, but I'm going. 

I have more good days than bad and that is all I could ask for.

And on a side note, I bought myself a key chain... That says----- 
and it was the greatest purchase I've made to date. 

BUT

Remember back a little tiny bit ago when I told you about my therapy sessions with Carol?  Yeah? Good.  Well let me tell you a little something about my experience with Carol 6 days ago.

As I was driving to her office in Fleming Island, I was all in the feels.  I was stuck in my brain and I couldn’t get out.  I was angry/sad/hopeless/frustrated.  To make matters worse, for myself, I listened to music that I knew would exasperate my already wild emotions.

Exhibit A: 
Exhibit B: 
Exhibit C: 

**The songs have nothing in common besides the fact that they can evoke some pretty powerful feelings when I listen to them.  So when I feel the need to torture myself [probably not the best choice of words], I listen to certain songs on repeat over and over and over and….ooooovvvvveeeerrrr.**

Here I am, listening to the same songs over and over, pulling into the office, 10 minutes late because I have no concept of time, with tears falling from my eyeballs and disappointment in my heart.  I had made goals two weeks prior and I didn’t complete them.  I felt like a failure.  A failure that not only disappoints her family, supervisor, church, God and self but also a failure to the person that I pay to listen and decipher my copious amounts of feelings and emotions and thoughts and problems.  What kind of person am I that I disappoint my therapist…? THERAPIST. Obviously the worst.  

As I made the trek up the elevator to the 3rd floor, and begrudgingly walked through the door, I started wondering what the heck I was doing there.  I don’t like doing hard things, and at the time, that was the hardest thing I had been faced with all day.  I was about to sit in front of Carol, who only tries to help me, and tell her all of the things that I didn’t complete since the last time I saw her, two short weeks ago. 

Anxiety was heightened and I was full of hate. 

Sitting in the waiting room, surely fidgeting something fierce [I don’t really remember], I saw Carol turn the corner and knew that I had about 7 seconds to get myself together and put on this strong face and act like being there wasn’t no thang.  And, I did.  Salutations were given and we proceeded down the hall to her office, which always smells like cinnamon buns btw, and we sat. 

And that’s when it started… the word vomit from hell.  I was in this battle of wanting my mouth to shut while also wanting it to stay open so I could get everything out of my system, all the while doing it as fast as I could so she’d maybe forget that I hadn’t actually accomplished one of the goals that I had set for myself.  Carol, being the lady that she is just sat there and took it.  She didn’t interrupt me, she didn’t tell me to quit crying, she didn’t make a face, she just patiently sat there and let me purge. When all was said and done, she looked at me and said [not word for word but you’ll get the principle]:

Do you realize how after everything good you just said, you followed it up with but?

That whole 60 seconds of wizardry that Carol usually pulls at the end of our session, to put things into perspective for me, was completed within the first 4 minutes of this one.  We sat there in silence as I processed this information.  For one, Carol could care less about me actually achieving the goal but rather the steps I’m doing to get to the end result and secondly, she was right.  For every positive thing that I did, working towards a goal or just in general, I followed it up with BUT and I found something that I did that would possibly negate the positive and throw everything off course. 

I did A [insert seriously great thing for Hannah to do here] but B [insert some lame thing Hannah did/didn’t do here] and that’s why Hannah still sucks and A is irrelevant.

I spent the rest of that session trying not to say but [cuz ya girl says it a lot] and it was stinking hard.  I can do a lot of great things, however [I WAS ABOUT TO PUT BUT] I have an insanely hard time accepting these things and appreciating the goodness that I can create and giving myself credit for said creations.  I am my own worst enemy.  I don’t think there is a soul in the world that dislikes Hannah McGlothlin more than Hannah McGlothlin.  If there is, then… Whoa dang. 

These past 6 days, and few months in general, have been difficult for your girl.  There have been things happening, that were definitely not anticipated, that have added extra stress and sadness to my already emotional existence.  There have been long days at the office followed by long nights of school work.  There have been moments of deep despair.  I have struggled with extreme jealousy of my dear friends' blessings. There have been attempts of spending time with friends, battling through exhaustion because you desperately want social interaction, and being mad at yourself the next day because you could have been sleeping instead of doing whatever it is that was done.

On the flipside, there has been an abundance of goodness to come from all of this.

In these past 6 days I have been trying extra hard in the whole "try being kinder to yourself, Hannah," not use the word but and appreciate the progress I have been making rather than focusing on the fact that I’m not to the end point yet.  Those simple things are easy to talk about; but, when you seek to employ them into your own life, it becomes increasingly difficult. Nonetheless, it is worth it.  You know what else is worth it?  Putting your pride aside and asking for a Priesthood blessing.  I did. A number of times [I think 3 or 4 times in the last month] and it is amazing.  It is during those blessings that I feel closest to God.  I receive specific counsel for my exact situations {Thanks J and J... I love ya longer than the longest love songs]. 

Morals of this post:
  1. Don’t assume everyone will be disappointed with you
  2. GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT
    1. Don’t use the word but so much. 
      1. Especially after you say something positive you just completed.
  3. Open your eyes!
    1. Let God in on what is going on in your life, He already knows, but He wants to hear it from you
    2. Give thanks for the tender mercies
      1. After you notice them of course…
  4.  Don’t get jealous of other’s blessings
    1. YOURS WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE GOOD AND READY FOR THEM
  5. Seek after the power of God to uplift and heal you
    1. The Priesthood power is restored and is so lovely
NOW: Here are a few pictures of the good because I think this was far too depressing than what was intended and I need to allow myself the opportunity to be vulnerable and put feelings out and not fear what people will think and I need to not beat myself up because this is how I process and WHOA BABY RUN ON SENTENCES!

Donna is the best. 

Jazmin is the best.

Two of my favorite people at one of my most favorite places.

Sisters + Dad + Surrounded by Severely Impaired Phish Fans + Music we know nothing about = The very best.

Miley Ann my BFF.

WaffleHouse at midnight... Extra hash browns with cheese, please. 

Mormon Helping Hands following Hurricane Matthew [ft. Sophia, Lacey and Papa Cano]
I was told in my most recent blessing that service is the way to help me through my trials and issues... Boy was that inspired.  God knows whats up! I feel more at peace and content with life when I am serving my fellow brothers and sisters, in and outside of the church.  I'm grateful for inspired Priesthood blessings and for those dear Priesthood holders. 

My favoritest little PGHOOD. 

Until next time, gal pals... I love ya!

0 to a hundy, REAL quick.

So many blog posts have been started since the last time I actually published one… I don’t have the courage to post them yet.  But, don’t fret dear friend. THEY. ARE. THERE.

For now, you get this one.  And it gets real.... REAL QUICK.  Strap your helmets on y'all.

As of late, I’ve been really struggling to know my worth.  In every sense of the phrase.  I’ve always struggled with self-image but I haven’t always struggled with who I am to my core.  What makes me, me.  Sure, I can talk a mad game.  I can tell you all of the time that I am a good person with good qualities; howsomeever, I don’t think I can tell you with full confidence that I believe it.  Which is really sad.  I’m one of the biggest proponents of self-love.

It wasn’t until recently, when one of my choicest friends pointed it out, that I realized exactly how often I said “I’m practically Satan” or “I’m the spawn of Satan.”  Do I believe that I am in fact Satan? No.  Hard pass.  Definitely not.  So why do I say it?

For being such a strong believer in Jesus Christ and His great atoning sacrifice and having a firm testimony in my role as a daughter of the most high king, it is a crying shame that I, e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.d.a.y. of my life, tell God that he created a no good for nothing monster. 

Where there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t beat myself up for a solid 69% of the day because I am the spawn of Satan, there also isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t take note of how faithful and consistent God is in showing me how mindful He is and how much He loves me.  His love is a beautiful thing.

NOW—let me tell YOU one of my many experiences where God so tenderly spoke my love language and told me “Hannah, I’m here. I know you. I love you.”
Once upon a time that dear friend who called me out on my excessive use of the phrase spawn of Satan stated that he couldn’t back down from a challenge.  He would rather accept a challenge and fail at trying then to not try at all.  Unfortunately, I’m the complete opposite.  I’d rather not try than to fail… And, I made the mistake of vocalizing that.  From that moment on we have gone back and forth giving challenges to one another that make the other person step out of their comfort zone and ultimately draw closer to God [& sometimes they are a little funny].  It was with my last challenge that God all but slapped me to get my attention.

The challenge goes a little something like this—

“5: Go back in your diary to the date 10/9/14 and see how you were feeling that day.”

Not, after I read that I got really angry.  I don’t keep a journal/diary [I try but it sucks]. Generally the challenges are so inspired and exactly what I need in life.  But this one seemed so lame.  SO. LAME.  Until it hit me. Hannah, go check your blog.

And. I. Found. This.


There is a blog post.  From October 9, 2014.  Titled H8ER. 
If you feel so inclined to understand this little post a little more, go read that one.

As I sat there and read the post from two years ago, tears were streaming down my face.  At an uncontrollable and rapid rate.  It was full blown ugly crying to the absolute max.  It was in that moment that, I realized how absolutely stubborn I am and how God is there and knows how stubborn I am; He knows our hearts.  AND that sometimes when we don’t listen to Him, He uses others to relay a message.  AND that He loves me.  The message was loud and the message was clear.  Where I don’t matter to myself or think that I matter to other people, I matter to Him.

“seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart”
–1 Samuel 16:7

If I were to go back to 19 year old Hannah, I would take her and squeeze her.  Then I would be skr8 up with her.

“Homegirl, it’s really cute that you think so highly of yourself. But don’t get to excited and think you have mastered self-love. Cuz you haven’t. But, don’t you give up.  You keep trying.  One day it’ll click.  Until then, know that 21 year old Hannah thinks you’re great AND Heavenly Father is aware of you.  When times are hard, don’t forget that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and most of all, know that this too shall pass.”

For the moment, my heart is full and I feel at peace with my life.  For the next little piece of my adventure, this is the goal: 

"I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?"
–Alma 5:19


Thank you #BJP for being my friend. I love ya like the longest love song. 

Totes love!

PS: This is my current jam. Listen to it. Love it. 

Poifection

My name is Hannah and I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder {MDD} and a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder {GAD}.  AKA: I suffer from depression and anxiety.  This isn't something new that I have struggled with, in fact it has gone on for years and years and years.  However, only within the last 7 months have I taken an interest in my mental health wellbeing and decided to seek help.  Real, professional, legit help.  That's how I found my sweet therapist. [interested in therapy but haven't taken the plunge yet? come talk to me!]. 

In the almost seven months that I have been actively engaged in biweekly therapy, I have seen my life change.  Completely change.  Where I was about to say hopefully for the better, I know for a fact it has been for the better.  For so long, I was a victim of my circumstances.  I let depression and anxiety control me.  I wasn't happy with myself, my relationships, my job, my school, my life, my family, my calling... BUT NOT NO MO! 

***Surely I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, anger, sadness, depression and fear.  However, I now have the skills to get myself out of those negatives and turn them into positives.***

Getting on with this story of POIFECTION:

With these biweekly sessions, it is generally in the last 2 minutes of my 60 minute sessions, Carol hits me hard with a little nugget [totes hate the word nugget but don't want to change it. nugget, nugget, nugget...] of knowledge that usually leaves me speechless and confirms why she's the professional and I'm not. 

This last session was no different.  As we are getting ready to go our separate ways, Carol says something along the lines of: "See how happy you are now that you aren't trying to be perfect?"

WAIT.  WHAT.

You have gots ta be kidding me! 

SEE. HOW. HAPPY. YOU. ARE. NOW. THAT. YOU. AREN'T. TRYING. TO. BE. PERFECT

Never did I think I was striving for perfection.  But when you get down to the very core of it, that was my life.  I wanted to maintain this facade that everything in life was golden... That required so much work. SO. MUCH. WORK.  

That's not even the worst part.  I tried to be perfect--knowing that perfection wasn't/isn't attainable.  Then.. THEN.. I had the audacity to beat myself up if I fell short of the "perfection" standard.  Gurl, u don lost ya mind.

A simple idea; yet, an insanely difficult task to complete.

When we aren't trying to be perfect, that is when we become our very happiest happy.  

Reflecting on this glorious idea of not trying to be perfect, I realize there are some choice things that need to be done in order to reach this mindset. 

applaud yourself for the small things 
{or ANYTHING}
  • You had 10 hershey's kisses instead of the whole bag?  I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
  • You didn't get an A in the class? And your GPA dropped?  But you are still getting a degree? #YOU #GO #GLEN #COCO
  • You got out of bed today? GOOD FOR YOU.
  • You worked out today? FANTASTIC!
    • "But, I didn't work out yesterday..."
      • WHO CARES!! You did it today. You made the choice to get up and work out.  We can't beat ourselves up for the past.  Which brings me to...
  • You walked away from a fight?  Even tho you were obviously right and the person is just being an obvious jerk? U DA REAL MVP.
make peace with the past
  • Seriously. Ana and Elsa that ish and just leeeeetttt itttttttt goooooo!
  • #BYEFELICIA
  • Learn from it... Then move on. 
  • What good does it serve you to constantly be thinking of things you can't change? 
    • It's done and over.  There is no turning back.  You have no control over the time.
      • Take the cheesy quote to heart: Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift.  That's why it's called the present.
  • Ask yourself: How can I take this experience and use it to my advantage? 

be in the moment
  • Present. Here and Now. 
  • Take the time to be in the moment. 
  • You have five senses.  USE THEM.
    • What do you hear? What do you smell? How does it feel? What can you see? Can you taste it? 
  • When you live in the past, you are subjecting yourself to depression.  The things you can't change.  When you constantly worry about the future, the anxiety creeps in.  Don't let it.  Be here. Right now.  In the moment.
  • Simply let it be. 
write
  • This.  This has been such a beautiful way to get feelings out.  
  • It's simply purging thoughts and emotions.  Getting them out of your system.
  • Write anything and everything that comes to mind. Don't erase or worry about grammar.  Repeat yourself.  Yell.  Write in all caps.  Literally get every last feeling regarding whatever you're working through onto paper.  Then, throw it away.  Get rid of it.  Burn it.  Shred it.  Destroy it.  It's now done with and we can move on.
  • Try it, I dare you.

Finally, remind yourself everyday: 
it is A-OKAY that you are not {poifect}
  • I hate to break it to you... But, I'll be the bad guy just this once.
    • You, dear friend, are not perfect.  And unfortunately, in this life, you will never be perfect. 
  • Want to know what you can be, though?  
  • You can be happy.  You can find joy in the journey. This life isn't meant to be endured, it's meant to be enjoyed [shout out--G.B.Hinckley]. 
  • Sometimes, or all the time, it's okay to be in the "I" club.  Because you are an individual who doesn't need to conform to societies' standards to be worthwhile.  You can be unapologetically YOU. Embrace that!
You deserve to take the time and smell the roses that this life has to offer.  It has taken me a long time to realize that.  But, nonetheless,  they are there!  There is so much goodness in the world if you but take the time to stop, look around and realize.  

Even if you feel like no-one is there for you, the world is falling apart, nothing is going right, you aren't as good as you should be... Know that there is a girl, named Hannah Nicole, that loves you more than anything.  She wants you to succeed and to be happy.  

This baby list is full of a few of the most important things that I have done in my journey to happiness, contentment and self-love.  If you so dare, give them a whirl, yourself, and let me know your results.  OR, if you have something to add, HOLLA AT YA GURL.

I love you like the longest love song. Yes, YOU. As your perfectly imperfect self. 


PS: Life is still going to happen... There are going to be things that are unexpected, heartbreaking, disheartening, saddening, infuriating, depressing [the list could go on and on] but it is up to YOU to take matters into your own hands and seek out the good.  Look for the happy!

I'm sorry.

Dear you:

Hi.

I'm not too sure how to start an apology letter; I haven't written very many of them.  This one is long overdo.  In fact, it should have come to you years ago--but, I'm just now mustering up the courage to get it all out there and own up to everything.

No use in wasting time, lets get on with it.

For a long time I resented you.  I thought you were a worthless excuse of a human being that didn't deserve happiness or love... I don't think, I ever thought you deserved much of anything.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I was so insecure; I bullied you as a sense of relief and release from pain.

You took every hurtful and hateful thing I ever said and you accepted it. I would scream at you, belittle you, frighten you, threaten you.  I tried everything in my power to tear you down.  And, I was successful.  You believed me.  You didn't fight it or try to defend yourself, you just accepted it.  You never led on that you were hurting at the grips of someone else, you maintained that facade... That's what I wanted.  I wanted you to hurt and not have anyone see your pain.  Suffer in silence.

Oh, how I was wrong.  The things that I said and did to you were, and will always be, inexcusable.

I'm sorry.

It has taken some time, and a lot of work, but I now realize that you are a fantastic person that is full of so much love for the world!  I was so wrong. You are a strong, independent, kind, compassionate, intelligent and beautiful human being.  Don't underestimate how loved you are.  By others and especially by me.

Hannah, you are a gem.  You are a far better person than you give yourself credit for.  So, do that, start taking credit for how lovely you are.  You deserve nothing but happiness and I want to make sure you get it.

I'm sorry for the years of torment and pain I caused. I. Love. YOU!

Best wishes,

Me

PS: I know this isn't as extravagant and beautiful it should be; but, it's a start.

This journey of "self love" sounds cliche and silly, but it is working.  I'm learning to love myself a little more everyday. Almost as much as I love YOU!

ONE YEAR LATER

Why, oh why, OH WHY, did I ever quit blogging??  It was such a beautiful way for me to get thoughts out, keep memories preserved, and entertain.  Cuz, let's face it... I'm dang funny and YOU like reading these stupid things.

It ain't no joke how much I like lists.  So, I feel it only natural to type a list of all of the magical things that have happened in the past year.  Since June 2015 was the last time I graced my bloggy blog with words. It may take a while, but we will start right now [Fri Jun 3, 4:41 PM].  & because I am the absolute worst, this list probably def won't be in order.  Just as things pop into my brain I'll list em out.
  • drove from Florida out to California.
    • WHY? Because, I was able to see the most beautiful bride [shout-out JHoll] right after she married the love of her existence [shout out Mr. SHoll]
  • started seeing Carol, a DBT therapist
    • DBT [dialectical behavioral therapy]--
      • designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not helpful
      • works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions 
      • assumes that people are doing the best they can but are either lacking the skills or influenced by positive or negative reinforcement that interfere with their ability to function appropriately 
      • **THANKS WIKIPEDIA**
  • lost 50 pounds
    • WWW: Weight Watchers Works
    • If you haven't noticed, that's okay... I don't even notice it
  • started working full time [40 hours] with the State of Flow-ride-uh.
  • was released from my dream calling [YW]
    • only to be called to my real dream calling [primary, shout out to my girls!]
  • got 4 blood transfusions because my anemia was... cray
  • purchased an iPad
  • went through the temple and took my own endowments out
    • interested to learn more? I got yo back!
  • strengthened some choice friendships
    • shoutout to my numba ones from day one
      • hi, emily *insert heart eye emoji & hand emoji that is waving*
    • shoutout to some of my new favorites 
      • Thursday lunch dates with you make my world go round 
      • & sending awkward instavideos back and forth wit you make my whole heart happy... hoodclips?
        • IF YOU'RE READING THIS AND YOU THINK THIS IS YOU, BUT CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF IT IS... IT IS. Promise. 
      • finally, YOU are wise beyond your years and I just adore having you as a constant in this crazy family
        • ps--can't wait to see me before you, with you
  • started a book collection of classic books bound in beautiful flex-fabric [amazon, holla]
  • got new glasses that are purple and so hip
  • started working towards a more positive and productive relationship[s] with my parent[s]
  • through family history, I learned that William Shakespeare and I have the same grandmother
    • still waiting on my cut of the money, Bill
  • cried a lot. like.... a lot, a lot
So much more happened.  REALLY.  SO MUCH.  

Like: being on the news, turning 21, getting my hairs done, wearing pants, getting my nails done regularly, reading books SO MUCH, realizing the gospel of Jesus Christ is more than just talk [don't talk about it boy, be about it!], being terribly sick for a good majority of 2016 [who am I kidding, all of 2016], bought $30 mascara and I've come to terms with a lot of negatives from my past.

It has been a productive year since the last time I wrote on this darling little blog of mine.  I hit my lowest low in the past year and can say, confidently, that I am now living my highest high.  Despite being so terribly tired, agitated, frustrated and annoyed with my body, I am happy.  I am blessed. 

I'm making the commitment to myself to blog more.  About anything & everything.  Not necessarily for you, but for me.  I need this. 

Love ya like the longest love song, baby!  

hope in humanity & a whole bunch of feels & some time

These last few days, I’ve been all up in the feels.  Not the normal “oh, I’m so sad” feels but the “there are seriously good people in the world” feels. 

For those who don’t understand what feels are [even though I use the term far too often for you not to know… cuz itz a dang g00d werd], Urban Dictionary explains it as: “A wave of emotions that sometimes cannot be adequately explained.”

So the feels.  I have been in the feels.  How so?  Well, my heart has been filled with an overwhelming appreciation and love for those individuals who do what is morally right even when it seems like the world is promoting the complete opposite.

Again with a handy definition, moral[ly] according to Merriam-Webster is-
  1. : concerning or relating to what is right and wrong in human behavior
  2. : based on what you think is right and good
  3. : considered right and good by most people : agreeing with a standard of right behavior

So my idea of what is morally correct is probably much different than YOUR idea.  But that’s the good thing about agency and tolerance.  Each of us has the opportunity to choose how we want to live, act, love, work, sing, talk, dress… And each of us has the opportunity to be tolerant and be willing to accept feelings, habits and beliefs that are different from our own.

However, I hope what I’m about to say is not just what I think as being morally correct but rather a universal idea that everyone, especially you and I, can agree on.

Karim Metwaly is the curator of the YouTube channel AreWeFamousNow.  A majority of the videos that he posts are funny and lighthearted; however, he has a section titled “Touching Videos.”  There you will find the video—Lonely Homeless Man. 

Rather than explaining this 3 minute and 39 second video, I recommend you take the time to watch it for yourself.



“You’re definitely alive, you’re breathing and that’s all that matters.  You’re just as important as anyone else out here.”  The tears welling in my eyeballs definitely escaped after Karim made the above statement.  Why?  Because it is so true.  So true to the point where I am ashamed that I don’t live my life everyday according to that statement.

Time is not guaranteed to us.  There are things that happen every single second of every minute of every hours of every day of every year.  It is so easy to say, I know I do, "don't worry, I have time!" OR "there is always next time."  But that isn't always the case.  Sometimes there isn't a next time.  Are we spending our time wisely?  Taking the opportunity to show love, support and uplift someone else?  Or are we aimlessly walking through life avoiding other people who society [or ourselves] has deemed as “not the norm.” 

Where this video focused on the friendship that was garnered between a young man and homeless man, the idea is universal.  Religion, sexuality, race, gender, education level, work experience, height, weight, hair color—it is universal.

.SO.

Are we walking around with hard hearts not being open and loving to those who are different than us?  Are we casting judgement before we truly know the individual? 

I know I’m not.  But, 

I am t r y i n g.  

I am trying to be that change.  I am trying to be more understanding and tolerant to others.  I am trying to be the person that sits down next to someone who is dealing with a situation different from my own and getting to know the person behind the difficult circumstance.  

That, dear friends, is why I have been in the feels.  That emotion I've been feeling in my little girl heart, that I wasn't able to explain before, is now explainable.  It is God confirming to me that my thoughts as of late are where they need to be.  No one is ever too far gone or different to be loved. J