hope in humanity & a whole bunch of feels & some time

These last few days, I’ve been all up in the feels.  Not the normal “oh, I’m so sad” feels but the “there are seriously good people in the world” feels. 

For those who don’t understand what feels are [even though I use the term far too often for you not to know… cuz itz a dang g00d werd], Urban Dictionary explains it as: “A wave of emotions that sometimes cannot be adequately explained.”

So the feels.  I have been in the feels.  How so?  Well, my heart has been filled with an overwhelming appreciation and love for those individuals who do what is morally right even when it seems like the world is promoting the complete opposite.

Again with a handy definition, moral[ly] according to Merriam-Webster is-
  1. : concerning or relating to what is right and wrong in human behavior
  2. : based on what you think is right and good
  3. : considered right and good by most people : agreeing with a standard of right behavior

So my idea of what is morally correct is probably much different than YOUR idea.  But that’s the good thing about agency and tolerance.  Each of us has the opportunity to choose how we want to live, act, love, work, sing, talk, dress… And each of us has the opportunity to be tolerant and be willing to accept feelings, habits and beliefs that are different from our own.

However, I hope what I’m about to say is not just what I think as being morally correct but rather a universal idea that everyone, especially you and I, can agree on.

Karim Metwaly is the curator of the YouTube channel AreWeFamousNow.  A majority of the videos that he posts are funny and lighthearted; however, he has a section titled “Touching Videos.”  There you will find the video—Lonely Homeless Man. 

Rather than explaining this 3 minute and 39 second video, I recommend you take the time to watch it for yourself.



“You’re definitely alive, you’re breathing and that’s all that matters.  You’re just as important as anyone else out here.”  The tears welling in my eyeballs definitely escaped after Karim made the above statement.  Why?  Because it is so true.  So true to the point where I am ashamed that I don’t live my life everyday according to that statement.

Time is not guaranteed to us.  There are things that happen every single second of every minute of every hours of every day of every year.  It is so easy to say, I know I do, "don't worry, I have time!" OR "there is always next time."  But that isn't always the case.  Sometimes there isn't a next time.  Are we spending our time wisely?  Taking the opportunity to show love, support and uplift someone else?  Or are we aimlessly walking through life avoiding other people who society [or ourselves] has deemed as “not the norm.” 

Where this video focused on the friendship that was garnered between a young man and homeless man, the idea is universal.  Religion, sexuality, race, gender, education level, work experience, height, weight, hair color—it is universal.

.SO.

Are we walking around with hard hearts not being open and loving to those who are different than us?  Are we casting judgement before we truly know the individual? 

I know I’m not.  But, 

I am t r y i n g.  

I am trying to be that change.  I am trying to be more understanding and tolerant to others.  I am trying to be the person that sits down next to someone who is dealing with a situation different from my own and getting to know the person behind the difficult circumstance.  

That, dear friends, is why I have been in the feels.  That emotion I've been feeling in my little girl heart, that I wasn't able to explain before, is now explainable.  It is God confirming to me that my thoughts as of late are where they need to be.  No one is ever too far gone or different to be loved. J


Srsly.

I’m over here trying and pleading to talk to you but you just won’t listen.  Isn’t that the most frustrating thing in all of forever?  When you are trying to get someone’s attention and they just won’t listen? 

I’m not talking about the instances when you are in the car and your mom is so engrossed in driving that she doesn’t hear you calling her so you have to do a quick little snap in her face, refer to her as her given birth name and ask if she’s listening…

I’m talking about the repetitive seeking out, constantly bringing something up, even apologizing for bringing it [whatever it may be] up so many times. 

I'm talking about the look in your eye that somehow has a voice of it's own and is screaming for help.

I’m talking about the major life issues that you just want someone to notice. 

I’m talking about the problems and struggles that you are evidently dealing with that *no one* notices. 

**Maybe I shouldn’t use such blanket terms like “no one” because there are definitely some choice people out there who are the most darling of gems**

I’m talking about those instances when you are dealing with something [that is important to you] and the one person you want to talk to AND have notice you is blind to the situation.  They are so consumed with their own life that they don’t have the time and patience for you and what you may be struggling with.
 
At what point do you take a step back and realize they don’t want to be there.  For so long you have held onto the hope that they will come running towards you with open arms to embrace you and help you.  But it hasn’t happened.  It won’t happen.

I think it is important to ask yourself. 

Are you the person with broken promises to be there during thick and thin?  Are your blinders up to the needs of those around you because you are so engrossed with yourself? 

Are you that person? 

SURPRISE.

BUT REALLY…SURPRISE.  I like to create things with words and then put it on the inter web for everyone to take advantage of my vulnerability and judge me.  With that, and my extreme lack of not caring [or extreme care, but I’d never tell you] I hope you enjoy this little piece of poetry ;)

PS-It was created to be read angrily.  Kind of like smash poetry.  SO----GET ANGRAYYY!

PPS-I understand the rhyming isn’t consistent…But are your thoughts ever REALLY consistent?  Or do you bounce back and forth [in your mind and outside of said mind] between sincere questioning, overwhelming anger and then defeated understanding and maybe back to anger?  This is very much so similar to that train of thought.
   
TOO YOUNG
What exactly would it be if two young, covered in dumb,
teenagers didn’t fall in love?
In essence, there would be no me.
The thought is already there, burning holes of distress
upon the mind of the severely oppressed.
Hate being the driving motive which guides.
Anger that you can no longer hide.
You promise it’s not me, but how can that be?
Stuck in the middle of the petrifying battle,
The only one suffering is ME.
Do you not care to see that every spiteful word cuts?
Though never directed at me,
I’m just the vessel which carries the overwhelming animosity.
Deep within flesh, but never visible to the eye.
A young girl’s heart shattered and tattered
The lost love her parents no longer search for
controlling any relationship that ever might be.
How can she see that it isn’t about her?

whatitmeanstobehuman

|| One day, I can't tell you when, I came across a little gem of a website by the name of  ||

Their about section states...

"Soul Anatomy is an organization devoted to dissecting what it means to be human.  We are a digital medium facilitating personal growth through ideas, conversations and community.  We publish original content that merges Western Psychology, Eastern Philosophy and personal narrative.
  We are the platform for Soul Space, a forum set up to connect people who are like-minded, or are going through similar issues, to seek counsel, opinion, or just support from friends around the world."
 
Here late, this website has become such a comfort to me and my weary soul. 
 
I'm coming to terms with the fact that this happy façade that I have been living behind for so long [forever] is crumbling down.  The fake happiness and emotions that I have been presenting are exactly what I said, fake.  But, that is no longer.
 
It is a long and slow process, but I am FINALLY willing and ready [already started] to embark on the journey.  I want to feel genuine happiness and real love.  I want to no longer be the one giving off the negative vibes but instead focus more on the positive energy and sharing it with everyone.  I want to serve, love, live, cherish, appreciate, smile, laugh, lead, teach, learn, praise!  I want to share the gifts and talents I have been blessed with, with others.  I want everyone to know the REAL unedited raw Hannah.  But first, I need to find her.  I need to figure out--
 
 [whatitmeanstobehuman]
 
Watch the pieces start to fit. 

Happy Anniversary Hannah

OH HEY THERE GOOD LOOKIN (;

A whole year is done and I am a whole year older.  TWENTY.  20. Two Zero.  I’m not even mad…. Not at all.  Actually, I’m just really emotional about it.  I get emotional over pretty much anything and everything, but for some reason this little blip of life is really hitting me. HARD. 

This birthday weekend was one for the books.  It was full of broken down cars, sweet lessons at church, a Priesthood Blessing, a nail in a brand new tire, messages from the most precious friends and family, MOSH, skipping work, facetimeing my favorite Sister Wilemon, a sad broken chocolate cake, dog sitting, an Eagle Scout court of honor, bra shopping, tears, a nacho bar, snuggles with my mommy, shopping and most importantly, the Spirit.   

I know you are sitting there wondering how on earth all of ^THAT^ could happen in 3 days, but it did.  ALL OF IT.  And, I wouldn’t change it for a moment.

Thank you all for the beautiful test messages, voicemails and Facebook posts.  I am certainly the most blessed girl in all of America.  You, ALL, know how to make a sad heart happy J

As I sit here and reflect on this beautiful life of mine, I am reminded how blessed I really am.  Instagram is, and will always be, my favorite social media outlet.  I have gathered every picture that I have posted since my last birthday & posted them below.  It is amazing to see how much I have changed, the kids have changed, and life in general has changed from then to now. 

Happy 20th Anniversary to you, Mother Earth.  My time with you has been nothing short of absolutely fantastic. 

Happy 20th Anniversary to you: Mother and Father and Step Mother and Sisters and Brothers and Brother in Laws and Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles and Cousins.  Being able to be in YOUR family and love YOU is such a blessing.  Each of you are so different and I am grateful for that.  Each of you has a different thing to teach me.  You just offer so much for me to love!

Happy 20th Anniversary to you, Hannah.  I can't wait for all of our many more adventures and nonsense that we get into... [ talking to myself? not creepy at all (; ]

My lyfe B lyke--
||side note--the pictures are all out of whack...this is not the order in which they happened|| 


God is good and I am blessed. Here is to being an adult and doing adult things.




PS—Ask me how I can relate Kanye West, Taylor Swift and Beyoncé to YOU and God’s will.  It’s pretty spectacular.  I may even write a little post around the very idea.  HA!