So many blog posts have been started since the last time I actually published one… I don’t have the courage to post them yet. But, don’t fret dear friend. THEY. ARE. THERE.
For now, you get this one. And it gets real.... REAL QUICK. Strap your helmets on y'all.
As of late, I’ve been really struggling to know my worth. In every sense of the phrase. I’ve always struggled with self-image but I haven’t always struggled with who I am to my core. What makes me, me. Sure, I can talk a mad game. I can tell you all of the time that I am a good person with good qualities; howsomeever, I don’t think I can tell you with full confidence that I believe it. Which is really sad. I’m one of the biggest proponents of self-love.
It wasn’t until recently, when one of my choicest friends pointed it out, that I realized exactly how often I said “I’m practically Satan” or “I’m the spawn of Satan.” Do I believe that I am in fact Satan? No. Hard pass. Definitely not. So why do I say it?
For being such a strong believer in Jesus Christ and His great atoning sacrifice and having a firm testimony in my role as a daughter of the most high king, it is a crying shame that I, e.v.e.r.y.s.i.n.g.l.e.d.a.y. of my life, tell God that he created a no good for nothing monster.
Where there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t beat myself up for a solid 69% of the day because I am the spawn of Satan, there also isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t take note of how faithful and consistent God is in showing me how mindful He is and how much He loves me. His love is a beautiful thing.
NOW—let me tell YOU one of my many experiences where God so tenderly spoke my love language and told me “Hannah, I’m here. I know you. I love you.”
Once upon a time that dear friend who called me out on my excessive use of the phrase spawn of Satan stated that he couldn’t back down from a challenge. He would rather accept a challenge and fail at trying then to not try at all. Unfortunately, I’m the complete opposite. I’d rather not try than to fail… And, I made the mistake of vocalizing that. From that moment on we have gone back and forth giving challenges to one another that make the other person step out of their comfort zone and ultimately draw closer to God [& sometimes they are a little funny]. It was with my last challenge that God all but slapped me to get my attention.
The challenge goes a little something like this—
“5: Go back in your diary to the date 10/9/14 and see how you were feeling that day.”
Not, after I read that I got really angry. I don’t keep a journal/diary [I try but it sucks]. Generally the challenges are so inspired and exactly what I need in life. But this one seemed so lame. SO. LAME. Until it hit me. Hannah, go check your blog.
And. I. Found. This.
There is a blog post. From October 9, 2014. Titled H8ER.
If you feel so inclined to understand this little post a little more, go read that one.
As I sat there and read the post from two years ago, tears were streaming down my face. At an uncontrollable and rapid rate. It was full blown ugly crying to the absolute max. It was in that moment that, I realized how absolutely stubborn I am and how God is there and knows how stubborn I am; He knows our hearts. AND that sometimes when we don’t listen to Him, He uses others to relay a message. AND that He loves me. The message was loud and the message was clear. Where I don’t matter to myself or think that I matter to other people, I matter to Him.
“seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart”
–1 Samuel 16:7
If I were to go back to 19 year old Hannah, I would take her and squeeze her. Then I would be skr8 up with her.
“Homegirl, it’s really cute that you think so highly of yourself. But don’t get to excited and think you have mastered self-love. Cuz you haven’t. But, don’t you give up. You keep trying. One day it’ll click. Until then, know that 21 year old Hannah thinks you’re great AND Heavenly Father is aware of you. When times are hard, don’t forget that you are fearfully and wonderfully made and most of all, know that this too shall pass.”
For the moment, my heart is full and I feel at peace with my life. For the next little piece of my adventure, this is the goal:
"I say unto you, can ye look up to God at that day with a pure heart and clean hands? I say unto you, can you look up, having the image of God engraven upon your countenances?"
Thank you #BJP for being my friend. I love ya like the longest love song.
PS: This is my current jam. Listen to it. Love it.