Poifection

My name is Hannah and I have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder {MDD} and a diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder {GAD}.  AKA: I suffer from depression and anxiety.  This isn't something new that I have struggled with, in fact it has gone on for years and years and years.  However, only within the last 7 months have I taken an interest in my mental health wellbeing and decided to seek help.  Real, professional, legit help.  That's how I found my sweet therapist. [interested in therapy but haven't taken the plunge yet? come talk to me!]. 

In the almost seven months that I have been actively engaged in biweekly therapy, I have seen my life change.  Completely change.  Where I was about to say hopefully for the better, I know for a fact it has been for the better.  For so long, I was a victim of my circumstances.  I let depression and anxiety control me.  I wasn't happy with myself, my relationships, my job, my school, my life, my family, my calling... BUT NOT NO MO! 

***Surely I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy, anger, sadness, depression and fear.  However, I now have the skills to get myself out of those negatives and turn them into positives.***

Getting on with this story of POIFECTION:

With these biweekly sessions, it is generally in the last 2 minutes of my 60 minute sessions, Carol hits me hard with a little nugget [totes hate the word nugget but don't want to change it. nugget, nugget, nugget...] of knowledge that usually leaves me speechless and confirms why she's the professional and I'm not. 

This last session was no different.  As we are getting ready to go our separate ways, Carol says something along the lines of: "See how happy you are now that you aren't trying to be perfect?"

WAIT.  WHAT.

You have gots ta be kidding me! 

SEE. HOW. HAPPY. YOU. ARE. NOW. THAT. YOU. AREN'T. TRYING. TO. BE. PERFECT

Never did I think I was striving for perfection.  But when you get down to the very core of it, that was my life.  I wanted to maintain this facade that everything in life was golden... That required so much work. SO. MUCH. WORK.  

That's not even the worst part.  I tried to be perfect--knowing that perfection wasn't/isn't attainable.  Then.. THEN.. I had the audacity to beat myself up if I fell short of the "perfection" standard.  Gurl, u don lost ya mind.

A simple idea; yet, an insanely difficult task to complete.

When we aren't trying to be perfect, that is when we become our very happiest happy.  

Reflecting on this glorious idea of not trying to be perfect, I realize there are some choice things that need to be done in order to reach this mindset. 

applaud yourself for the small things 
{or ANYTHING}
  • You had 10 hershey's kisses instead of the whole bag?  I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.
  • You didn't get an A in the class? And your GPA dropped?  But you are still getting a degree? #YOU #GO #GLEN #COCO
  • You got out of bed today? GOOD FOR YOU.
  • You worked out today? FANTASTIC!
    • "But, I didn't work out yesterday..."
      • WHO CARES!! You did it today. You made the choice to get up and work out.  We can't beat ourselves up for the past.  Which brings me to...
  • You walked away from a fight?  Even tho you were obviously right and the person is just being an obvious jerk? U DA REAL MVP.
make peace with the past
  • Seriously. Ana and Elsa that ish and just leeeeetttt itttttttt goooooo!
  • #BYEFELICIA
  • Learn from it... Then move on. 
  • What good does it serve you to constantly be thinking of things you can't change? 
    • It's done and over.  There is no turning back.  You have no control over the time.
      • Take the cheesy quote to heart: Yesterday's the past, tomorrow's the future, but today is a gift.  That's why it's called the present.
  • Ask yourself: How can I take this experience and use it to my advantage? 

be in the moment
  • Present. Here and Now. 
  • Take the time to be in the moment. 
  • You have five senses.  USE THEM.
    • What do you hear? What do you smell? How does it feel? What can you see? Can you taste it? 
  • When you live in the past, you are subjecting yourself to depression.  The things you can't change.  When you constantly worry about the future, the anxiety creeps in.  Don't let it.  Be here. Right now.  In the moment.
  • Simply let it be. 
write
  • This.  This has been such a beautiful way to get feelings out.  
  • It's simply purging thoughts and emotions.  Getting them out of your system.
  • Write anything and everything that comes to mind. Don't erase or worry about grammar.  Repeat yourself.  Yell.  Write in all caps.  Literally get every last feeling regarding whatever you're working through onto paper.  Then, throw it away.  Get rid of it.  Burn it.  Shred it.  Destroy it.  It's now done with and we can move on.
  • Try it, I dare you.

Finally, remind yourself everyday: 
it is A-OKAY that you are not {poifect}
  • I hate to break it to you... But, I'll be the bad guy just this once.
    • You, dear friend, are not perfect.  And unfortunately, in this life, you will never be perfect. 
  • Want to know what you can be, though?  
  • You can be happy.  You can find joy in the journey. This life isn't meant to be endured, it's meant to be enjoyed [shout out--G.B.Hinckley]. 
  • Sometimes, or all the time, it's okay to be in the "I" club.  Because you are an individual who doesn't need to conform to societies' standards to be worthwhile.  You can be unapologetically YOU. Embrace that!
You deserve to take the time and smell the roses that this life has to offer.  It has taken me a long time to realize that.  But, nonetheless,  they are there!  There is so much goodness in the world if you but take the time to stop, look around and realize.  

Even if you feel like no-one is there for you, the world is falling apart, nothing is going right, you aren't as good as you should be... Know that there is a girl, named Hannah Nicole, that loves you more than anything.  She wants you to succeed and to be happy.  

This baby list is full of a few of the most important things that I have done in my journey to happiness, contentment and self-love.  If you so dare, give them a whirl, yourself, and let me know your results.  OR, if you have something to add, HOLLA AT YA GURL.

I love you like the longest love song. Yes, YOU. As your perfectly imperfect self. 


PS: Life is still going to happen... There are going to be things that are unexpected, heartbreaking, disheartening, saddening, infuriating, depressing [the list could go on and on] but it is up to YOU to take matters into your own hands and seek out the good.  Look for the happy!

I'm sorry.

Dear you:

Hi.

I'm not too sure how to start an apology letter; I haven't written very many of them.  This one is long overdo.  In fact, it should have come to you years ago--but, I'm just now mustering up the courage to get it all out there and own up to everything.

No use in wasting time, lets get on with it.

For a long time I resented you.  I thought you were a worthless excuse of a human being that didn't deserve happiness or love... I don't think, I ever thought you deserved much of anything.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I was so insecure; I bullied you as a sense of relief and release from pain.

You took every hurtful and hateful thing I ever said and you accepted it. I would scream at you, belittle you, frighten you, threaten you.  I tried everything in my power to tear you down.  And, I was successful.  You believed me.  You didn't fight it or try to defend yourself, you just accepted it.  You never led on that you were hurting at the grips of someone else, you maintained that facade... That's what I wanted.  I wanted you to hurt and not have anyone see your pain.  Suffer in silence.

Oh, how I was wrong.  The things that I said and did to you were, and will always be, inexcusable.

I'm sorry.

It has taken some time, and a lot of work, but I now realize that you are a fantastic person that is full of so much love for the world!  I was so wrong. You are a strong, independent, kind, compassionate, intelligent and beautiful human being.  Don't underestimate how loved you are.  By others and especially by me.

Hannah, you are a gem.  You are a far better person than you give yourself credit for.  So, do that, start taking credit for how lovely you are.  You deserve nothing but happiness and I want to make sure you get it.

I'm sorry for the years of torment and pain I caused. I. Love. YOU!

Best wishes,

Me

PS: I know this isn't as extravagant and beautiful it should be; but, it's a start.

This journey of "self love" sounds cliche and silly, but it is working.  I'm learning to love myself a little more everyday. Almost as much as I love YOU!

ONE YEAR LATER

Why, oh why, OH WHY, did I ever quit blogging??  It was such a beautiful way for me to get thoughts out, keep memories preserved, and entertain.  Cuz, let's face it... I'm dang funny and YOU like reading these stupid things.

It ain't no joke how much I like lists.  So, I feel it only natural to type a list of all of the magical things that have happened in the past year.  Since June 2015 was the last time I graced my bloggy blog with words. It may take a while, but we will start right now [Fri Jun 3, 4:41 PM].  & because I am the absolute worst, this list probably def won't be in order.  Just as things pop into my brain I'll list em out.
  • drove from Florida out to California.
    • WHY? Because, I was able to see the most beautiful bride [shout-out JHoll] right after she married the love of her existence [shout out Mr. SHoll]
  • started seeing Carol, a DBT therapist
    • DBT [dialectical behavioral therapy]--
      • designed to help people change patterns of behavior that are not helpful
      • works towards helping people increase their emotional and cognitive regulation by learning about the triggers that lead to reactive states and helping to assess which coping skills to apply in the sequence of events, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors to help avoid undesired reactions 
      • assumes that people are doing the best they can but are either lacking the skills or influenced by positive or negative reinforcement that interfere with their ability to function appropriately 
      • **THANKS WIKIPEDIA**
  • lost 50 pounds
    • WWW: Weight Watchers Works
    • If you haven't noticed, that's okay... I don't even notice it
  • started working full time [40 hours] with the State of Flow-ride-uh.
  • was released from my dream calling [YW]
    • only to be called to my real dream calling [primary, shout out to my girls!]
  • got 4 blood transfusions because my anemia was... cray
  • purchased an iPad
  • went through the temple and took my own endowments out
    • interested to learn more? I got yo back!
  • strengthened some choice friendships
    • shoutout to my numba ones from day one
      • hi, emily *insert heart eye emoji & hand emoji that is waving*
    • shoutout to some of my new favorites 
      • Thursday lunch dates with you make my world go round 
      • & sending awkward instavideos back and forth wit you make my whole heart happy... hoodclips?
        • IF YOU'RE READING THIS AND YOU THINK THIS IS YOU, BUT CAN'T FIGURE OUT IF IT IS... IT IS. Promise. 
      • finally, YOU are wise beyond your years and I just adore having you as a constant in this crazy family
        • ps--can't wait to see me before you, with you
  • started a book collection of classic books bound in beautiful flex-fabric [amazon, holla]
  • got new glasses that are purple and so hip
  • started working towards a more positive and productive relationship[s] with my parent[s]
  • through family history, I learned that William Shakespeare and I have the same grandmother
    • still waiting on my cut of the money, Bill
  • cried a lot. like.... a lot, a lot
So much more happened.  REALLY.  SO MUCH.  

Like: being on the news, turning 21, getting my hairs done, wearing pants, getting my nails done regularly, reading books SO MUCH, realizing the gospel of Jesus Christ is more than just talk [don't talk about it boy, be about it!], being terribly sick for a good majority of 2016 [who am I kidding, all of 2016], bought $30 mascara and I've come to terms with a lot of negatives from my past.

It has been a productive year since the last time I wrote on this darling little blog of mine.  I hit my lowest low in the past year and can say, confidently, that I am now living my highest high.  Despite being so terribly tired, agitated, frustrated and annoyed with my body, I am happy.  I am blessed. 

I'm making the commitment to myself to blog more.  About anything & everything.  Not necessarily for you, but for me.  I need this. 

Love ya like the longest love song, baby!