BUT

Remember back a little tiny bit ago when I told you about my therapy sessions with Carol?  Yeah? Good.  Well let me tell you a little something about my experience with Carol 6 days ago.

As I was driving to her office in Fleming Island, I was all in the feels.  I was stuck in my brain and I couldn’t get out.  I was angry/sad/hopeless/frustrated.  To make matters worse, for myself, I listened to music that I knew would exasperate my already wild emotions.

Exhibit A: 
Exhibit B: 
Exhibit C: 

**The songs have nothing in common besides the fact that they can evoke some pretty powerful feelings when I listen to them.  So when I feel the need to torture myself [probably not the best choice of words], I listen to certain songs on repeat over and over and over and….ooooovvvvveeeerrrr.**

Here I am, listening to the same songs over and over, pulling into the office, 10 minutes late because I have no concept of time, with tears falling from my eyeballs and disappointment in my heart.  I had made goals two weeks prior and I didn’t complete them.  I felt like a failure.  A failure that not only disappoints her family, supervisor, church, God and self but also a failure to the person that I pay to listen and decipher my copious amounts of feelings and emotions and thoughts and problems.  What kind of person am I that I disappoint my therapist…? THERAPIST. Obviously the worst.  

As I made the trek up the elevator to the 3rd floor, and begrudgingly walked through the door, I started wondering what the heck I was doing there.  I don’t like doing hard things, and at the time, that was the hardest thing I had been faced with all day.  I was about to sit in front of Carol, who only tries to help me, and tell her all of the things that I didn’t complete since the last time I saw her, two short weeks ago. 

Anxiety was heightened and I was full of hate. 

Sitting in the waiting room, surely fidgeting something fierce [I don’t really remember], I saw Carol turn the corner and knew that I had about 7 seconds to get myself together and put on this strong face and act like being there wasn’t no thang.  And, I did.  Salutations were given and we proceeded down the hall to her office, which always smells like cinnamon buns btw, and we sat. 

And that’s when it started… the word vomit from hell.  I was in this battle of wanting my mouth to shut while also wanting it to stay open so I could get everything out of my system, all the while doing it as fast as I could so she’d maybe forget that I hadn’t actually accomplished one of the goals that I had set for myself.  Carol, being the lady that she is just sat there and took it.  She didn’t interrupt me, she didn’t tell me to quit crying, she didn’t make a face, she just patiently sat there and let me purge. When all was said and done, she looked at me and said [not word for word but you’ll get the principle]:

Do you realize how after everything good you just said, you followed it up with but?

That whole 60 seconds of wizardry that Carol usually pulls at the end of our session, to put things into perspective for me, was completed within the first 4 minutes of this one.  We sat there in silence as I processed this information.  For one, Carol could care less about me actually achieving the goal but rather the steps I’m doing to get to the end result and secondly, she was right.  For every positive thing that I did, working towards a goal or just in general, I followed it up with BUT and I found something that I did that would possibly negate the positive and throw everything off course. 

I did A [insert seriously great thing for Hannah to do here] but B [insert some lame thing Hannah did/didn’t do here] and that’s why Hannah still sucks and A is irrelevant.

I spent the rest of that session trying not to say but [cuz ya girl says it a lot] and it was stinking hard.  I can do a lot of great things, however [I WAS ABOUT TO PUT BUT] I have an insanely hard time accepting these things and appreciating the goodness that I can create and giving myself credit for said creations.  I am my own worst enemy.  I don’t think there is a soul in the world that dislikes Hannah McGlothlin more than Hannah McGlothlin.  If there is, then… Whoa dang. 

These past 6 days, and few months in general, have been difficult for your girl.  There have been things happening, that were definitely not anticipated, that have added extra stress and sadness to my already emotional existence.  There have been long days at the office followed by long nights of school work.  There have been moments of deep despair.  I have struggled with extreme jealousy of my dear friends' blessings. There have been attempts of spending time with friends, battling through exhaustion because you desperately want social interaction, and being mad at yourself the next day because you could have been sleeping instead of doing whatever it is that was done.

On the flipside, there has been an abundance of goodness to come from all of this.

In these past 6 days I have been trying extra hard in the whole "try being kinder to yourself, Hannah," not use the word but and appreciate the progress I have been making rather than focusing on the fact that I’m not to the end point yet.  Those simple things are easy to talk about; but, when you seek to employ them into your own life, it becomes increasingly difficult. Nonetheless, it is worth it.  You know what else is worth it?  Putting your pride aside and asking for a Priesthood blessing.  I did. A number of times [I think 3 or 4 times in the last month] and it is amazing.  It is during those blessings that I feel closest to God.  I receive specific counsel for my exact situations {Thanks J and J... I love ya longer than the longest love songs]. 

Morals of this post:
  1. Don’t assume everyone will be disappointed with you
  2. GIVE YOURSELF SOME CREDIT
    1. Don’t use the word but so much. 
      1. Especially after you say something positive you just completed.
  3. Open your eyes!
    1. Let God in on what is going on in your life, He already knows, but He wants to hear it from you
    2. Give thanks for the tender mercies
      1. After you notice them of course…
  4.  Don’t get jealous of other’s blessings
    1. YOURS WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE GOOD AND READY FOR THEM
  5. Seek after the power of God to uplift and heal you
    1. The Priesthood power is restored and is so lovely
NOW: Here are a few pictures of the good because I think this was far too depressing than what was intended and I need to allow myself the opportunity to be vulnerable and put feelings out and not fear what people will think and I need to not beat myself up because this is how I process and WHOA BABY RUN ON SENTENCES!

Donna is the best. 

Jazmin is the best.

Two of my favorite people at one of my most favorite places.

Sisters + Dad + Surrounded by Severely Impaired Phish Fans + Music we know nothing about = The very best.

Miley Ann my BFF.

WaffleHouse at midnight... Extra hash browns with cheese, please. 

Mormon Helping Hands following Hurricane Matthew [ft. Sophia, Lacey and Papa Cano]
I was told in my most recent blessing that service is the way to help me through my trials and issues... Boy was that inspired.  God knows whats up! I feel more at peace and content with life when I am serving my fellow brothers and sisters, in and outside of the church.  I'm grateful for inspired Priesthood blessings and for those dear Priesthood holders. 

My favoritest little PGHOOD. 

Until next time, gal pals... I love ya!